Warning: Not Funny.

Dear Asshole. Where do you get off? You don't have feelings, do you? There is no fucking way you have what normal people call feelings. If you have feelings, then what everyone else has is something different. You don't care about anyone but yourself. You are an idiotic, childish liar. Since you don't have any emotion other than vanity, let me break it down for you. When you tell someone, who has an emotional vested interest in their lives, that you will be there for them and how much they mean to you and all that bullshit..... THEY BELIEVE IT! And for your information, feelings can be hurt. Oh, you don't know what hurt is, do you? Let me help you out- it's that thing that you are so very, very crafty at. You are the fucking DaVinci of sadism. If being a dick were a sport, you would need to be tested for steroids. And what is fucking unbelievable is that everyone loves you! You are everybody's go to guy. But you don't do it for the love (because, as we all know, you can't feel!). You do it for the attention. Because first and foremost, you are the most pathetic attention whore I have ever laid eyes on. And the show: it's great.... if you haven't been backstage. Your rehearsed performances for attention are so meticulous, I fell for them. You were so entrancing. But when I jumped on the stage, I could see the makeup and the artificial lighting more clearly. The stage managers whispers could be heard and the props crew were all queued up, waiting for the set change. You are a fake. But it's like trying to convince a cult that their prophet is just a lonely pedophile. So, for the time being, there is nothing that I can do; except watch and wait while your life gets steadily better than mine, you get more friends than me, and you get the job I've been waiting for. This will happen because I can't get anyone to believe me. The only thing I really can do is pray that you contract HIV and die a slow and painful death. I think all the suffering you have put me through will have finally been worth it when I can see you feel pain for the first time, and watch as the darkness that is your mangled soul, leaves your empty eyes forever.

Man, I feel better!

Very Important Things

All the world's a stage; and all the men and women merely players... except when you're in the audience, right?
Shakespeare left out that little tidbit, didn't he?
Last night, I had the privilege of being a member of an "on camera audience" for the taping of three episodes of Important Things With Demetri Martin. If you've never seen the show, I highly recommend it. Demetri Martin does some standup, a few skits, and a cartoon here and there: it's quite the comedy.
Every time I go to see a concert, go backstage where there are going to be famous people I love, or see a televised show like this (apparently), I have-in my mind- a way that things should go. It's always completely sane and makes me dream "it's possible!" at the time, but thinking about it later: it's nothing short of ridiculous. I always think they are going to pull me onstage and then become best friends with me soon after because I'm so ridiculously charismatic and witty. Needless to say, my best friend is not Demetri Martin... yet. See, there I go again.
Even though DM and I didn't get a chance to say hello, I still enjoyed being a spectator. I learned he wasn't the guy he is on TV. He could be quite the diva, at times. Off-camera he was complaining about his stool, the noise level of the background music, the volume of his mic, and a whole host of other crap. He was also cool, don't get me wrong; it wasn't like he was crying and bitching the whole time or anything, he was pretty shy [he did however, flash the audience]. But when the cameras were rolling, it was amazing! He was quick and funny, and if he messed up (he only did it three times in three hours) we got to laugh at the same joke twice. All in all it was a pretty neat experience; and I'd do it all over again.

Water = Expensive?

The two highest budgeted movies EVER are Titanic and Water World. These movies don't have very much in common besides the fact that they are both take action in a maritime setting. Which begs the question: Why are movies produced with large amounts of water so expensive? Are boats really that hard to come buy? Do the actors get paid per time they get wet? Or is it the water itself? Is water a finite resource, and we didn't know? You'd think that Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory would have cost more to create than the glamourous Water World in all it's bedraggled glory. Isn't chocolate more expensive than water? Didn't it take longer to clean and dry Agustus Gloop's costume after he fell into the chocolate river, than it took to throw Kate's Dress into the dryer? Your thoughts, please.

My future illegitimate children

It has always been my dream to bare the offspring of talented musicians. Firstly for security. You never have to worry about providing for your bastard children if their padre is going on an international tour to promote his latest award-winning album. Secondly, for the sake of having youngsters with a lot to live up to. You think my illicit children will be okay with being a co-manager at Walmart when their father is being inducted into the rock-n-roll hall of fame? I don't think so. With this method, I am guaranteed to have at least one doctor in the brood.
To semi-fulfill my dream, I went on a website called makemebabies.com and created images of my future spawn.
Enjoy!

Mine and Conor Oberst's pirate son, Henry.

Aww, he's got his daddy's eyes! Let's just hope he doesn't also inherit his alcoholism.

Mine and Brandon Flowers' daughter, Annabel.

I have to say, she is frickin' adorable. I can't wait to have her.

Mine and Jack White's son, Benjamin

I like how they added the headphones... they just knew, I guess. They also played God and predisposed him to be an emotional eater.

Wow, that was a fun journey. You know what I've learned out of all of this? My nose gene must be very dominant. Because all my kids got my nose. Which is a very good thing in Benjamin's case.


As a side note:
You have no idea how many times I hit "redo" in the baby-making process .... the first twenty versions of each child looked like inbreeds with down-syndrome.